I sincerely do not belive that my beloved daughers death was" Gods best ". If there is one quality that defines Him its LOVE. Way back when He created it all he said, do not eat of that tree... you will certainly die! He never wanted us to die, thats why He explained his advice.. He LOVES us and all the evil we fight in this world has never been His will! For so high did God LOVE the world that he......  Our love is very selective and limited- Gods love has no boundaries! 

As his children we can lay our hands upon the sick in Faith. For my part I had faith. I knew that God is good and that healing is there for us. Yet, at the same time I honestly read about and "filled myself" with knowlege about the enemy. In our case metastatic ewings sarcoma. All the knowledge I got filled me with fear and unbelife. And that disturbed my faith!

Is there condemnation in that? NO, but this has shown me the importance of setting GOD FIRST! I dont feel condemned. I dont feel guilt. I just realize that I need Him- that I come short in myself. I dont want to sing along with Frank Sinatra " I did it my way". Cause my way will only lead me to the gates of hell.... My peanut brain will never be able to gasp everything. I need God all the time! And so do you!!! We are FULLY DEPENDENT upon Him in our daily lifes. Could Esther be alive today if I had set my full focuse on God? Yes, I belive that! And yet, there is no condemnation in this. Its rather an aceptanse of what happened those 6,5 years. 

I LONG FOR ESTHER ALL THE TIME! If I were to reasson this out its probably because of who she was. I knew Esther and that knowing produced a strong everlasting love. I am sad that the world did not have the chanze to know her like I did... 

In this there is NO place to go. NO ONE can lift this longing, the burden, all my tears and sorrow! No one but Him that broke the power death had. I will meet Esther again. I have asked God one favour: when my time in this world is up can Esther bring me home? Nothing will give me more JOY than embracing her again. I will hold her tight for a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time. And in eternity there is time for such, because God is Love!

We need to be with Him! Only in Him we can become fullfilled. In this place there are moments of joy, love, peace, forgiveness, respect, encouragement, compassion etc but always limited and passing. Yet, even here He in His wisdome came up with a solution: by the SPIRIT OF GOD He now lives within us. If we feed the spirit side within He will grow in our lifes. I am truly mourning Esther, longing for her every day but I know that Esther is home with God, that she see me/us, that she pray for us and that we will be together again forever one day. God lift my sight upwards. He solves even this ....

For His ways are Higher than ours....

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